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  • Writer's pictureDr. Speshal Walker Gautier a.k.a. Dr. Spesh

Sis, A relationship won’t complete you.

Updated: Nov 22, 2020


On the quest for love, many people long for an idealized "happily ever after" version of love and connection. A romance like the ones often depicted in the media. A fantasy version of some person out there who will come and sweep you away and fulfill your every need and desire. Many of us have witnessed a moment where someone utters the following words to the love of their life… “you complete me.” A phrase seemingly endearing and sweet, yet also idealistic and problematic.

While falling in love and sharing your life with someone may indeed be filled with moments of joy and happiness, no relationship can fill you up. The sheer notion of completion inherently implies there is something to be finished. When we apply this to relationships a few issues arise. One issue is the implication that your life was incomplete or unfinished and therefore the ultimate fulfillment rests in finding love. The other faulty implication is that you were unfinished and the path to completion is in finding the right partner.

Whatever season you are in right now, it is an important moment to experience. So often we get caught up in striving for the life that we desire while failing to live the life that is here. This is the issue with romantic love often being portrayed as a pinnacle of life, particularly for women. Women are often pressured to get married, to have children, etc., within a culture that treats these events as defining moments. A women’s worth has too often been tied to these events, and while celebratory worthy, social media certainly has not helped with the over-emphasis on them. Contrary to the narrative, your life and self-worth are not defined by who you are in relation to someone else (e.g. wife, mother). Live your life fully and intentionally during each moment. Experience gratitude and joy in each season. Take time to fall in love with yourself and the life you are creating. A complete fulfilling life is in what you make it, not in what you are waiting for.

Complete yourself. Life is a journey full of self-discovery and development. It’s okay to be “unfinished.” It’s important to grow and evolve as a person. Completing yourself lies in your ability to continue your personal journey rather than meeting the right person. You can meet someone with whom you experience happiness, someone who is a great fit, BUT no one can complete you. No one can fill a personal void. That is your work to do, Sis.

So live your life now, enjoy and appreciate your personal journey. Cultivating this relationship with yourself makes you a better and happier person. As you master how to love and fulfill yourself, it brings clarity to understanding the type of relationship and partner that is right for you. Before you can identify and express your wants and needs in love, you have to figure out how to love and fulfill yourself first.


*Dr. Spesh is an Atlanta based Clinical Psychologist, blogger, and diversity consultant.*

Thoughts? Questions?

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