Sis, How Does Your Mind Fill the Silence in Your Relationships?

My birthday fell a couple of months into meeting my husband.  I told him I was getting my friends together for drinks and music at a popular spot in Boston and extended the invite for him to attend.  He said he would try to make it.  When the Friday shindig rolled around, crickets.  I don’t remember if we spoke earlier that day, my memory escapes me after 15 years.  But I absolutely remember the swan song to our courtship playing in my head that night.  If he didn’t show up for my birthday, surely he was not invested and I had misread the room.  The next evening while I was probably in bed binging old episodes Sex and the City, he called me, asked if I was busy, and told me to get dressed and come downstairs.  Of note, he lived in Connecticut at the time.  It didn’t stop him from driving up to surprise me and take me on an amazing birth-date.  He apologized for missing my get together, explained he had a crazy work week, and fell asleep after work. Also it turned out, an invite to a group gathering at Liberty Hotel wasn’t that deep to him, because he had no way of knowing this was my hard launch of the guy I’d been talking up to my girls.  

If this resonates with you, you’re not alone.  I hear some version of this in my office all the time. She sends the text, puts her phone face down, and promises herself she won't check it. Ten minutes later, she's checking it. An hour later, she's reread the whole thread, and somewhere in there her mind has already written the ending.

Maybe they've lost interest. Here we go again.

If this is you, Sis, let me start by saying, yes, the silence is real.  What your mind interpreted and filled the space with may not be. 

Because when your attachment leans anxious or disorganized, silence doesn't stay empty for long. When love has felt unpredictable, your nervous system learns to scan for signs that someone is pulling away. A gap in contact registers as a threat, and your mind rushes to explain it, usually with negative beliefs about what’s going down in the relationship. I wrote a few weeks ago about that constant scanning of every text message, and how these habits got built for good reason.

That rush made sense once. Maybe you come from a home where warmth and attentiveness came and went without warning, or a past partner went quiet right before they left. Your system learned that quiet can mean danger, and it's been trying to protect you ever since.

The problem is that the story shows up dressed as fact, so it’s easy to respond to the story. Sometimes that looks like the double and triple follow-up texts. Sometimes it looks like going cold first, so it hurts less when the rejection you're bracing for finally comes.

So the next time your phone goes quiet, try this.

Name your thoughts. Out loud or in your notes app: "I'm telling myself they've lost interest."

Check the facts. What do you actually know? Maybe they mentioned a packed workday, or they usually text in the evening. Facts tend to be a lot calmer than stories.

Check your body. If your chest is tight or your thoughts are racing, that's your cue to settle before you send anything. Take a few slow breaths and put the phone in another room for twenty minutes. Reach out once your body has come down, and the message you send will sound more like you.

Silence is information you don't have yet. 

Fifteen years and 2 kids later, it turns out my husband’s silence was information I didn’t have yet either.

Starting October 27, I'm breaking down each attachment style here and on Instagram, along with what it takes to feel more secure in love.

So tell me, Sis, what story does your mind tell you when the phone goes quiet?

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Dr. Spesh is an Atlanta-based, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Trauma and Relationship Expert, and founder of D.I.V.E. Therapy & Consulting.

Want science-backed tools for building healthy love? Join me for Lessons in Love, my upcoming virtual weekend workshop for single Black women.

Thoughts? Questions? Email: SisByDrSpesh@gmail.com for a chance to have your question anonymously featured on Instagram.

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