Sis, Why Do You Get So Busy When Things Get Good?

All right, Sis. You met someone you actually like. The texts are good and the dates are even better. Then they invite you to go away for the weekend, and suddenly your calendar is full. Work needs you. You're too tired to talk tonight. Maybe tomorrow.

If that sounds familiar, this letter is for you. Shout out to all my avoidantly attached girlies.

First, let's clear something up. Somewhere along the way, avoidant attachment got cast as a man thing: the guy who starts stumbling over his words the second you ask where this is going. Turns out, plenty of women are avoidantly attached too. We just tend to get different labels. People call us Ms. Independent and low maintenance, sometimes negatively, other times as a compliment.

So what is it? Avoidant attachment is discomfort with closeness, paired with a strong pull toward doing everything yourself. Underneath that hyper-independence is a belief that people won't come through when you need them. So you stop needing them. If you never lean on anyone, nobody can drop you.

Researchers call the moves that keep closeness at a manageable distance deactivating strategies. Where an anxious system turns the volume up, an avoidant system turns it down. Your needs get muted before you even notice you have them.

That muting usually shows up emotionally first. You're sad, and you'd rather clean the whole kitchen than say so. Someone asks what's wrong, and "I'm fine" comes out before you've even checked. Sometimes it gets physical too. You work through the migraine. You skip asking for a hug after a hard day, even when your body is asking for one. Going without feels safer than asking and getting nothing back.

Then there's the part that confuses everybody, including you. You really liked them. Then things started getting closer, and suddenly the way they chew bothers you. So does the way they say "expresso." What felt cute three weeks ago now feels like a dealbreaker.

That's your system looking for an exit. When closeness starts to feel risky, the mind goes searching for reasons to step back, and flaws make convenient reasons. The flaws may be real. Notice when they started bothering you, though. If it lines up with things getting closer, that timing is information.

Sis, it makes sense that you're wired this way. A lot of avoidant patterns start in homes where the adults showed up for the practical stuff. You were fed and you got to school on time. When you cried, though, someone told you to fix your face or they’d give you something to cry about. In some cases, expressing a feeling was met by a parent whose feelings took priority. They got upset that you were upset, and suddenly your emotional moment was hijacked. You learned that your feelings were yours to handle alone. That was smart for a kid. Yet, in adult dating, that same skill can keep out the closeness you say you want.

And for a lot of Black women, there's another layer on top. Many of us were raised on the Strong Black Woman ideal: hold it together and never let them see you sweat. A cultural script, separate from your attachment style, historically adaptive in a society where we’ve had to survive the unsurvivable. When the two line up, the script can make avoidant attachment behaviors look like a virtue, which makes it harder to spot. More on this later, so stick around.

But in the meantime, what helps? The goal is building a little more comfort with closeness over time, and small reps count.

Notice the urge to pull away. Get familiar with what it feels like right before you pull back. Maybe it's a sudden urge to get busy, or irritation you can't quite explain. Catch it, and give yourself a moment before you act on it.

Watch the timing of the nitpicking. When your list of their flaws starts growing, ask yourself what happened right before. Did they say something sweet? Did you two have a really good weekend? Did they start talking about your future together? Closeness that felt good can still set off the alarm.

Lean in a little. A little is the key word. Answer the text you were going to leave until tomorrow. Let them help with something, even something small. Your nervous system learns that closeness is survivable in doses it can handle.

Name the feeling. This one feels the scariest, and it does the most. Try something as simple as "this feels scary for me." One sentence is enough. Saying it out loud lets the other person know what's happening and gives them a chance to come through. That's the very thing your system doesn't believe will happen, so every time it does, that belief loosens its grip a little.

And if pulling away has cost you relationships you wanted, attachment-focused therapy can give you a safe place to practice closeness first.

Avoidant attachment kept you safe when you had to rely on yourself. But when it comes to love and connection, it can keep you alone.

So tell me, what's the flaw you suddenly noticed right when things got good?

Next up: disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant) attachment.

—---------------------

Dr. Spesh is an Atlanta-based, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Trauma and Relationship Expert, and founder of D.I.V.E. Therapy & Consulting.

Want science-backed tools for building healthy love? Join me for Lessons in Love,  my virtual workshop for single Black women, this February. Early bird pricing ends December 31.

Thoughts? Questions? Email: SisByDrSpesh@gmail.com for a chance to have your question anonymously featured on Instagram.

Follow me @Dr.Spesh on Instagram.

Subscribe @ www.SisByDrSpesh.com for more Sis letters.