Sis, Your Attachment Style Was Learned, Which Means It Can Change.

Everybody's talking about attachment styles these days. It's all over social media, and word on the street is that some people are even mentioning attachment styles on the dating apps now. I love that people are curious and eager for psychological concepts. I also know labels can get thrown around a lot without people fully understanding what they actually mean.

So let's break it down, Sis.

Your attachment style is the way you've learned to seek closeness in relationships, and how you handle distance when it shows up. It gets shaped really early, through your relationship with whoever raised you. Maybe that was your mom, dad, or the aunties and grandparents who were part of your village. That's where you first learned what to expect from love when it comes to connection and disconnection.

I wrote this summer about watching this happen in real time with my own kids. Those expectations get built in thousands of small moments, long before any of us can put words to them. By adulthood, they show up in how close you let someone get and what you do when things feel shaky. Researchers sort them into four styles.

• Secure. You're okay with closeness and with independence. If you fall, you know people will catch you. You can ask for what you need, and conflict doesn't feel like the end, because you trust the two of you can repair.

• Anxious (Preoccupied). Closeness feels really important, and disconnection feels threatening. You stay on the lookout for signs the relationship might be ending.

• Avoidant (Dismissing). You lean hard into independence and self-sufficiency, and closeness can start to feel like pressure.

• Disorganized (Fearful). You want closeness, and it also feels terrifying. You engage in an approach-avoid cycle, swinging between anxious and avoidant.

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If any of those made you a little uncomfortable, no judgment, Sis. A large percentage of people aren't securely attached. Nobody picked their style off a menu. It's how they learned to do relationships and, quite frankly, what has worked for them in the past.

If your attachment style is causing issues in your love life, I have good news, Sis. Because your attachment style was learned, you can also learn something new. There’s something researchers call earned security. It happens through steady relationships and through doing the work, sometimes in therapy. I watch it happen in my office, slowly and over time, with a willingness to take the risk of trying new approaches.

Before the anxious letter drops, sit with these:

1. When someone you're dating goes quiet, what's the first story you tell yourself?

2. When things start getting close in relationships, do you tend to lean in or pull back?

3. Growing up, what happened when you were upset? Who came, and how did they respond?

   
   

Write your answers down and hold onto them. We'll come back to them at the end of the series.

So tell me, Sis: which style felt a little too familiar?

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Dr. Spesh is an Atlanta-based, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Trauma and Relationship Expert, and founder of D.I.V.E. Therapy & Consulting.

Want science-backed tools for building healthy love? Join me for Lessons in Love, my upcoming virtual weekend workshop for single Black women.

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