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  • Writer's pictureDr. Speshal Walker Gautier a.k.a. Dr. Spesh

Sis, It’s never too late for love.

We all know that feeling of running out of time or even worse thinking we have already run out of time. The impending sense of urgency that can show up in our lives making us feel like it’s now or never with regard to meeting the right person and living out the romance we may have fantasized about for ourselves. Certainly, the societal messages and pressures around us don’t help, often serving to reinforce the belief that the clock’s ticking. Once you reach a certain age as a woman, inevitably there will be moments when you are met with unsolicited comments and questions:

You’re still single?

Why are you still single?

When are you going to bring someone home?

Don’t wait too long!

Aren’t you too old to be dating?

And the list goes on…

To make matters worse, we are constantly subjected to problematic messages that our youth is somehow a determinant of our desirability. I actually saw a recent Clubhouse room titled “Are women over 30 undatable?” I can’t make this up. I was outraged. I spent a brief moment listening in to take inventory of what toxic messages women are being exposed to today. It was just as bad as I thought, a panel of primarily Black men making determinations about the women’s datability in a virtual room full of primarily Black women. The room was a reminder of why I started this blog. I am so tired of society making determinations about the worth, value, desirability, and code of conduct for Black women. It happens across way too many spaces and dating is no exception.

Being bombarded with these types of messages throughout your life can lead to the internalization of these negative beliefs in ways that may not always be conscious to us. To protect ourselves we have to constantly remind ourselves and each other of our worth and value. We have to show up to our lives with that energy despite the messages around us.

Sis, you are deserving of the type of love you want and need in your life. And the reality is, regardless of these insidious toxic messages, it is never too late for you to cultivate and have the kind of love you want. You may have had challenging experiences in dating and told yourself it can’t happen for you. You may have been in a relationship, even a marriage that didn’t work out. You may have seen way too many toxic relationships to believe that healthy loving relationships exist. You may have dated unsuccessfully for too long to believe that romantic love is attainable for you. Despite your past experiences, it’s never too late for love. It’s never too late to have a new experience. Strengthen your relationship with yourself and do your work to find clarity on the type of partner who is best for you. Do the introspective work to make sure these are the types of people you’re choosing and remember just because it hasn’t happened yet does not mean it can’t happen. Don’t believe the hype! It’s never too late for love, Sis.

(For related posts, check out the links in the article.)

*Dr. Spesh is an Atlanta-based Clinical Psychologist, blogger, and diversity consultant.*

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